When we evaluate people, we often notice all the wrong things. We tend to identify them as belonging to one stereotyped group or another; or we look for signs of status; perhaps personality type, or level of confidence. But we don’t as often have an antenna to detect kindness, which may be most important.
If you were to give advice to a young person seeking a spouse, what traits are most important? Beauty and form? Wealth? Humor? Those may not be among the traits which help you determine the person you may live with for the next 50 or 60 years. Gordon Livingston recommends “kindness, a willingness to give of oneself to another. this most desirable of virtues governs all the others, including a capacity for empathy and love (pp. 4,5).”
He explains that character qualities tend to exist in constellations. If a person is characterized by “impulsivity, self-centeredness, quickness to anger,” – this is not a grouping that will include kindness. But that kindness is accompanied by tolerance and a capacity for commitment – ideal of marriage, and most other relationships as well. What more can most of ask for than a spouse who will put up with our faults and stick with us through the tough times, and in the mean time, be kind to us, and we to them?
But let’s apply this not only to family relationships, but also to Christian family. After all, Jesus, demonstrating the love of God, showed kindness is so many situations. And we who are followers of Jesus and members of His Body are to express that same character, even as we pray that kindness will be duplicated in us.
‘Tertullian tells us that in the days of the early church, pagans sometimes called Christians “chrēstiani” rather than “christiani.” The two words sound similar, of course, but there was another reason for the confusion. Christiani means “Christians,” but chrēstiani comes from the Greek word for “kindness.” According to Tertullian, even when believers were not known as the Christ people, they were still known as the kindness people, and this kindness pointed others to Christ.’ (Ryken, Philip Graham (2012-01-31). Loving the Way Jesus Loves (p. 44). Crossway. Kindle Edition.)
Perhaps, in this day when curtness is more common than kindness, someone may notice yours. And even if they don’t want to marry you, perhaps they will be attracted to the One you follow, and perhaps you will have the opportunity to verbalize what they have already seen in action.