No More Pronouns!

 No More Pronouns!

I applied for a job recently and was asked if I would agree to only use the preferred pronouns of fellow workers. I said, “No, I’ll go you one better. I won’t use any pronouns at all, and I forbid anyone to use any pronoun to refer to me. And from this moment on, other persons may only refer to the person who is now speaking as Mr. Rabbi.

Now some people are more worked up about pronouns than others, and some people don’t know much about pronouns at all. In Mr. Rabbi’s case, all pronouns are abolished, including “I” and “me;” “we” and “us;” “he” and him;” “she” and “her;” “you,” “it,” “they,” and “them.”

The interviewer asked, “Why do you wish to be called Mr. Rabbi?” I exploded. “The person with whom Mr. Rabbi is conversing must refer to Mr. Rabbi only as Mr. Rabbi. “You” is a pronoun. The person speaking to Mr. Rabbi cannot call Mr. Rabbi “you” That person cannot ask “how are you doing?” It is now prohibited, and if the person speaking persists, the person speaking will soon be looking for another job.

Mr. Rabbi could tell the interviewer was a bit rattled, but the person speaking was a quick study. “Why does Mr. Rabbi wish to be called Mr. Rabbi. Is Mr. Rabbi Jewish? Mr. Rabbi replied, “No, Mr. Rabbi is not Jewish, whether biologically, religiously, or culturally.” But when it comes to how a person wishes to be addressed, does anything matter other than that person’s own personal preferences? It is who Mr. Rabbi feels Mr. Rabbi to be, and who is any other person in the world to object?

The person conducting the interview seemed to understand, though the person conducting the interview seemed unsure that the person conducting the interview would be able to secure the cooperation of other persons, especially those who had already chosen their own alternate personal pronouns, and would be somewhat shocked to find out that those designations were now forbidden.

I said it might be just as well. Pronouns are almost essential to communication, and to do without them makes any conversation terribly ponderous. Plus, in the Bible, there are some pretty cool pronouns, like “Thou” and “ye,” and if God is in favor of pronouns, then maybe we should be as well. And when God addresses Adam and Eve, He says, “of every tree in the garden you may freely eat;” - even God calls people “you,” or he or she, according to how He created them. And so maybe we shouldn’t abolish pronouns, or choose alternate ones, because God already chose some for us.