Don't Be Nice; Be Kind

Don't Be Nice; Be Kind

I’ve done it myself many times. I’ve been nice when I should have been kind. I am making a distinction that not everyone makes, and everyone who uses the word “nice” is not committing a sin. But I would like to suggest an important distinction.

Let’s imagine that you have a group that meets regularly, and there is one person who is driven to make it all about himself. He talks at length about all the ways that the world has cheated him, and so people listen, uncomfortably, and finally, the group chooses to stop meeting altogether. Why? Because they are too “nice” to tell this person the truth about himself, and out of niceness rather than kindness, evade the issue and then the person. Niceness is evasive. Kindness is truthful.

There is an old saying, “the truth hurts.” I am saying that kindness can hurt as well. But removing a skin lesion hurts also. The doctor still does it. He doesn’t send you away to a different doctor. He doesn’t say, “Oh, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” Niceness puts a bandaid on it. Kindness seeks to get to the root.

Think of a married couple that has a “nice” relationship. They ignore and put up with and evade. And one more thing, they individually seethe. This will end in some kind of divorce, whether legal, or practical, living separate lives because they refuse to be truthful with one another. Kindness tells the truth.

I do not pretend that kindness is always successful. What is? It is just the right thing to do if you are in a relationship that assumes that love is required, like in marriage, or in the church, or in any other relationship where you are to be pulling for the other person in a meaningful way. If you are in a relationship where you feel no obligation to love, you are in no position to be kind. But in all these cases, niceness is pretending without any intention to do good.

You can be kind without telling the truth in that very moment, because truth requires a proper method and a proper time. But niceness is not a cover for kindness. The kind person may say, “I think I understand, and we need to discuss this further and in more depth,” and then you go and pray about how to do it properly so that you do not do more damage than good. Scalpels can be lifesaving, but also lethal.

Perhaps I need to turn it this way: was Jesus nice, or kind? Was He both? According to my definition, were there times when He just passed over a person’s problem and gave some good but neutered platitude that would produce no repentance and no life change? Think of Jesus with the woman at the well, recorded in John 4. If you don’t know the story, for Pete’s sake read it (just being kind). Jesus approaches her; she is defensive and keeps changing the subject. But Jesus presses and reveals her deeper need and alienation. And, her life is changed. Or think of the “rich, young ruler” who comes to Jesus (recorded in Luke 18). We would likely gladly include him in our gatherings and maybe make him a deacon. But Jesus wanted to expose what was lacking for this man so that he might actually “inherit eternal life.” So Jesus put His finger on the one command the ruler did not boast about - covetousness. He loved money more than life, and Jesus exposed that ugly truth, out of kindness. The man walked away. That was his prerogative. But Jesus was kind, and He told the truth. If that man ends up in hell, it’s on him. He rejected the truth from Jesus. But when we are nice and not kind, we may bear some level of fault in hiding the truth from those who need to hear.

Maybe we should put our niceness in the cedar chest where useless things go, and put kindness into action.